The Gruesome Deaths of Hermione Granger
by megamatt09
Summary: Hermione dies over and over again. A Wade Wilson Production. Obvious Crack is Obvious. Features Luna/Deadpool. Hermione/Hogwarts Library. Harry/Every Female in the Multiverse, at least in theory.
1. Chapter 1

**So, this may not be too favorable to Hermione fans. (YOU THINK?)**

* * *

><p>Hermione Granger was currently in the bathroom of Hogwarts School and Witchcraft and Wizardly because Ron Weasley was a huge douchebag with no sense of tact.<p>

The twelve year old girl mentally told herself that she shouldn't let a subhuman like that get to her. She couldn't help it. Throughout her time in primary school, she had no friends. She didn't know why, her teachers praised her. Shouldn't someone who had the respect of authority figures be given friendship?

The teachers called her the smartest girl of her age here at Hogwarts. She didn't know why people would be upset about that. Hermione basked in the praise. Ever since her father told her that she should have been born a boy, she subconsciously craved the attention of authority figures. She thrived on it.

A loud rumbling outside of the door could be heard. Hermione heard screams about a troll in the hallway. She didn't really pay much attention to them. Professor McGonagall said that Hogwarts was perfectly safe and why would a Professor lie?

The entire fact seemed inconceivable. She was certain that Dumbledore had his reasons for having a corridor that had a three headed dog guarding something. Everyone should heed his warning.

Hermione's eyes snapped open and there was a snarling breath of the troll in her face. The brunette bookworm tried to open her mouth and scream.

She couldn't quite get the words out. The pile from her throat caused her words to be lost. She struggled in an attempt to spit out those words but she couldn't.

The troll sized her up through beady little eyes.

Hermione swore that she was going to be okay. She didn't bother to move herself out of the way, she just stood against the wall, paralyzed with fear.

The troll's drool splashed in her face and Hermione finally found the ability to scream.

The scream only lasted for a second, it was much too late.

The troll pulled Hermione into its crushing grip. It made a brand new friend, hugging the girl tightly.

Hermione's screams disappeared when the troll crushed her to death. She slumped down onto the ground, blood splashing from her mouth.

The troll seemed confused and roared in agony.

Why did everything it touch half to break like this?

Harry Potter stood in the doorway, mouth agape, at the angsting troll that greeted him. He also noticed the dead girl slumped on the floor seconds later.

"Bloody hell," Ron exclaimed.

Harry nodded. He would have to agree. He walked over to the troll and levitated the club out of its hand and clonked it on the head, putting it to sleep.

Seconds later, Professor McGongall, Professor Dumbledore, and Professor Snape all ambled on in. Professor Quirrel slid halfway across the bathroom floor, joining them as well.

"My word," McGonagall said.

"We must get in touch with the girl's parents, there's nothing that we can do," Snape said.

"Yes, Severus, I think some memory charms may be in order, it is for the best that way," Dumbledore whispered in a melancholy voice.

"And Mr. Weasley, since you lead a student to her death, I believe that you should be expelled," Snape added with a wicked smirk. "And Mr. Potter naturally."

"Severus," Dumbledore said reproachfully.

"Fine, Mr. Weasley then," Snape said and he paused. "Mr. Potter, your shoe's untied, you sloppy boy."

"My shoe isn't untied," Harry said checking.

Snape waved his wand and untied Harry's shoe. "It is now. Ten points from Gryffindor and ten more points for contradicting me."

"And fifty points to Gryffindor for knocking out a troll," Dumbledore said. "Come this way, young Ronald, I'm sorry, but bullying will not be condoned at Hogwarts."

Snape's sense of bullshit reached a new peak and he wasn't the only one. He had a flashback to his seven years of Hogwarts and felt angered.

He needed an outlet to take his aggression out on.

"Mr. Potter, detention," Snape said.

"For what?"

"For getting blood all over the floor," Snape said, and he limped off, blood dripping from his leg.

"That's your blood Professor!" Harry protested.

"A week Detentions then," Snape said.

"You better make it a month, Professor," Harry said, his anger reaching a boiling point.

"What for?"

A club flew into the air and walloped Snape in the face. He flew head over heels and landed into the loo with a splash.

"Mr. P-p-potter," Quirrell said and he paused and it was almost like someone whispered instructions in his ear. "Twenty points to G-g-gryffindor"

Minerva sighed and wondered if she was the only sane person in this school.

The corpse of Hermione Granger rested on the floor, looking relatively peaceful except for the fact that she was dead.

Deadpool randomly appeared out of the blue and resurrected Hermione from the dead. Why? Because he was tight with Death, if you know what I'm saying.

Hermione could have sworn that she was dead a minute ago.

"So, I guess Mr. Weasley isn't expelled," McGonagall said to the mysterious weird man who showed up. The fact she would soon forget after she took a nice long hit of Firewhiskey mixed with Scotch.

Deadpool shrugged. "It's up to you really."

The Merc with the Mouth stopped and paused.

"Hey, put your pants on and get out of here, show's over for now!"

He disappeared until his mythical powers of resurrection.

**To Be Continued On February 30****th**** 20451. (Or maybe sooner, who really knows.)**


	2. Zombie Ron Likes Bran

The Devil's Snare vines wrapped around Harry, Ron, and Hermione when they were down in the ground.

"Oh Devil's Snare, Devil's Snare, Devil's Snare," Hermione muttered underneath her breath in a rapid fire manner. "It fears heat and the fire."

"Well light a fire then," Harry whispered to her, and he started to relax. He had to discretely move his arm over.

"Yes, yes, of course, but there's no wood," Hermione said.

Harry wished he could move his hand to face palm himself.

"Here, I'll do it for you, buddy," Deadpool said and he suddenly appeared, ensnared by the devil's snare. He slapped Harry hard in the face.

"Thanks, I needed that," Harry commented and he relaxed.

"ARE YOU MAD, ARE YOU A WITCH OR ARE YOU….."

Deadpool shot Ron in the face. Just because.

"Damn this strangulation really gets out the crick in my neck," Deadpool commented when he struggled and he turned towards Harry. "Don't worry, you can't die, at least until the seventh book. Then you will get resurrected or some shit. It's some Jesus peril…..and I don't make the carpenter guy, I mean my Mexican guy who mows my lawn."

"You know that's pretty racist," Hermione whispered as she still forgot that she was a witch and she was being strangled.

"What, are you going to deprive an honest man who wants to make an honest living?" Deadpool asked when he struggled in the vines, and he pointed his gun at Hermione. "You know, you don't have to make everything about racism. That happens to be his name, he happens to be Mexican, and that happens to be his job. I pay him well, you Fascist bitch."

Deadpool shot Hermione in the face, just because.

"And bam, you're dead too," Deadpool said.

Harry closed his eyes and detached his wrist. He pushed a button his watch.

Whoosh when in a blur, and a blast of heat vision fired out of nowhere, burning the vines to a crisp, along with Deadpool. Harry was left intact.

"Okay, that was uncalled for, but you know healing factor," Deadpool said and his ashes reformed into a man. "And I suppose that I have to resurrect the two of them again…..well I should resurrect the Granger bitch. Because it's too fun killing her. But can't we just leave the ginger dead."

There was an angry voice that echoed in Deadpool's head.

"Fine, he'll be a zombie with a hunger for nothing but bran," Deadpool said.

"Don't you mean brains?" Harry asked.

"No, I mean bran," Deadpool commented and he used his mystical magical plot convenience powers to resurrect Ron and Hermione from the dead.

"Bran, bran, bran, bran," Ron whispered in a zombified state.

"See, bran," Deadpool commented with a smile on his face. "Not sure what that is, but it's something. I'm sure someone will bitch me out for being ignorant. And now it's time to let the canonical plot commence."

X-X-X

Supergirl shows up.

Supergirl eats an apple.

Supergirl trolls certain people by showing up.

This looks like a job for Supergirl!

**To Be Continued One Day After the End(Or maybe sooner). **


End file.
